The Puppet Master

I am Andre when I'm with my bestfriends. I am Appa when I'm with UiTM's members. I am Eri when I'm going to be brave. I am Mr.Puppeteer when I reach my confident. I am Ahmad Fakhri Bin Mohd Fauzi when I'm with my beloved person. I don't know if I am a pretender. All I know, I need to be those person whenever I want myself fit with the environment.

Head-On

Hye bloggie, I said I wanna share everything that I left unsaid for almost 1month a few days ago. I am quite busy,nahh..Not so busy I guess. It just that I was not in the condition to share story with. You are not even listening, you are just my puppet in the form of a life journal. A reflection of mine. So there's no need for me to tell you everything I had. Actually I am tired. Not physically, but mentally I am so tired. I fight my emotions, my doubtful thoughts, my feelings in order to create so-called-mood to finish all that assignments. I push and I force myself to be workaholic. You know, I am not that kind of a work hard person for assignments. However these assignments are not as same as during I was in the foundation. It can't be done in several days. Something that I had never done before. Plus it was group's assignments. Lately I am so lazy. I guess I put to much effort on those assignments, and I left my uncovered syllabus behind. I am not well prepared for the test last week and I got very bad result for math. Ads? 50-50. Account? like shit, I was over confidence and underestimated account test. Very bad result. Nothing that can be proud of. I consumed too much time on assignments and I revise nothing for other subject. Math and Account. For me these 2 is my killer subject as if I skip even one chapter either both, I'll get lost and won't understand the next topic. See, my english now is "tunggang-langgang". I am typing this meantime my mind is spinning, all fuzzy. I need a little time to be recovered. Mental and physical are two different matter. Mental fatigue need more time to heal than physical fatigue. No, a little peaceful moment and space is good enough for me to recover, but I couldn't find it here. I have to cover my subject. I am fool enough to answer any simple math question right now. It is suck okay. Em..just now I met her friend in Mara building during lunch time. Wani. I am quite suprised because I never thought she'll recognize me. I saw her first but I acted like I don't know who she is as i thought she know nothing about me. She greet me with smile an I did the same in return. We had a little chat. She look nice and warm. As what I've expected from her friends. They are nice and kind. ^_^ There's no need for me to worry about her. She know how to befriend with others, no matter boys or girls, I believe they are nice person. I pray her 20th birthday will be much meaningful and full of happiness. Haha, yup I am really a fool. I set my mind to move on but actually I couldn't and I afraid to wave goodbye. But this is only for temporary. I'll put an end soon. I will make the ending special as I vowed to myself, it will be the last time. I am not giving up but Im just out of hope. What the meaning of never give up if it is clearly stated I am hopeless.. This the not the second time,third nor the 5th time I tried. It was countless. I am goddamn fool if I still do not see her hint "NEVER".  Hmm, my condition prevent me to talk clearly with others. I'm on pressure. I don't wanna make bad impression. So, I become untalkative person a lot these days. I wanna a peace of mind.. I wanna counter-attack for the syllabus I lost this past few weeks Damn...my english really, really suck.

Past for Present and Future

A friend of mine asked me "hey do you have a blog, do you blogging?" I said "yeah..once but I keep it's url only for certain person, and periodically changing as it's too personal but now I've made it deactivated" He asked me why and I said "it's my true color, my real form as human, who I am inside and I just revealing my weakness to others if I do make it public" For deactivated reason, I said "I made this blog to be my best listener, my requiem so I don't need to carry it along dealing my day, but now I don't think I need a listener anymore to be stronger". Friend said "if your reason is as what as you've said..to be stronger, then you are going nowhere". Friend refused to explain to me why, "have faith on yourself if you really are a type of seeker". Friend just made me even more confused, seeker?? Uhm..I guess I've the answer tonight, this blog is my benchmark. If I want to be stronger, I need to measure and evaluate how much strong I've become, either weaker or stronger. It does make sense actually, I can't tell what I am now. I couldn't see clearly as before. I mean I don't have the thrust to push me forward. For what reason I do fight full-heartedly. I couldn't remember. Easy to say..time make me loosing my objective for fighting, my real intention to fight. Damn, I don't have an idea to wordily clear this as what I am thinking. But I can tell using this way, I watch my pasts, my origin, who I am at the beginning and I could see the reflection of my future. It makes me aware which part I should make adjustment, enhancement. You complete me. I don't set this blog private as if something happened to me, died maybe. Someone can delivered my philosophy to my relative, my family. I am pursuing my future. I am not playing around like before. So my death would be meaningful for the person I care. Okay, thats bluffing. Bloggie, I got a lot of story to be shared with ya. But it will take a day for me to finished meantime I got a math test tomorrow. I need to revise. Later then, see ya.