anger,hatred,and evil

i dont know why..since oct09 i didnt talk to him..ive tried to be nice to him.but its pointless.i dun wanna fights anymore..i dun wanna quarrels again.enough..i dun wanna make her upset..last year 'cause of me he ran home..even its not my fault but im the one who felt very guilty.i cant stand a chance when i see her face so worried of him..so i put away my anger and apologize to him.yet its never end.we were like oil and water..she used to compared me and him..i dun mind at all if u cares more about him..i dun mind if u proud of him so much.but please when it comes to differences..it makes me sick..n today i felt ughhh..rebel,anger,hatred but i try to control these feeling..yeah its my fault..do u know why i rather spent my time with my frens than at home? do u know why i never be at home during weekend?do u know why i barely eat at home??its all 'cause of him..everytime,evryday it always about him..i dun mind if you care more about him..I DUN MIND AT ALL!! but please dont ever compare me with him!!im sick to hear that..!! i tried to be nice..ive tried respect him..but he show no grattitude..waste of time! what hav i done?i dun ask for  money from u..i get my pocket money on my own..whats more..??its my fault thats right..but its just one thing..when u said i lied n said i did the thing that ive never done..its really hurt..!!i thought im strong enough..but i cant bear to hear that..ohh god..i wish i can shout out and told evrything of what i feel r8 now so they will understand..its pain inside..even worse when i keep it inside..so,i just keep silence n hear all of ur mumbles..cause i dun wanna be.."anak derhaka"  ughh,thought its better if it is wound outside than inside..this pain cant be expressed by words..Ya Allah if there's no sin on suicide..coould be long time ago i ended up this life myself...i keep this body alive cause of u..fear of u..hemm,feels like my head is gonna blow..  i wish im in pdg llg r8 now so i can shout loudly..arrrggghhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! theres no one will ignore...also i wish ill vanish form this world where there will nobody know my presence ever..i wish if time could be turn back..i wish i never born to this world..haha..stupid..?yeeahh..stupid..yeahh it sound like a loser,i know..but no one will understand what i feel.im not strong..but,ill never lose to this feeling..i wont let myself down cause of this matter.


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