Pounded Heart

It says to me,


"her way is too much beautiful and pretty for a simple-looking guy like you, you are nothing special to her, not even for a title"


Love alone isn't enough, get your head around that.

Thank You

 PPKP I don't even remember whats it mean,haha all I know it just one of UiTM's Kemahiran Insaniah program. Earlier I don't give a damn about it, NOT ONE BIT since I got lot of assignments to be done, all must be submitted before this mid-sem holiday. But after I read on the notice board says "student whom do absent for this program will be barred from taking their transcript thus will not be allowed to graduate for degree" What the heck? This is kinda shitty threat ! huh. What to say, I vowed to be a good and nice student before(ceh,haha) so whether I like it or not I must be sincere to join the club,ABIDE THE RULES. Hmm, not as what as I've thought... hey this program taught me a lot and I appreciate what they gave to me today. Our group's coordinator I call him En.Nadzri, I respect him. He told us his past history, how he drive himself to be like today. Encouraging. Also he said something valuable about our course. Theres a lot of science admin course  available in universities which contributes to our biggest competition to get job. At the beginning, yep it weakened me. But I am well aware that theres nothing easy to be called LIFE. If life is so easy, whats the meaning of our living? EMPTY. I don't know if somebody read this they would understand what Im trying to pop out. I just don't get an idea how to elaborate my understanding literally. Emm, by the way I had a bit fun today and I smiled a lot during the break ice session. At least for 4hours, I managed to forget all those kinda tension stuffs, miserable assignments, and bla,bla,bla. I just finished 50% of Mr.Hayyun paper work just now hehe. I skipped just because I don't have enough sources to be described and elaborated, I need to find more at the library tomorrow. I did it with no interruption, intrusion, nuisance outside and the inside. Thats good enough for 50%, tranquility. Uhm, too many to be typed here for today's lesson. So as a conclusion of what I have comprehend, God have decided for our destiny, but we are given choices to carve our journey. NO, this time I am not bluffing. There's a time I will put my bluff's mask off.

Feeble

 I couldn't put them consistent and smooth. Everyday there will be always new assignments, new topics to be covered. Great bulk, tight and full packed. I am 98% healed from fever. I wish my body will cooperate well with me these week so I can turn the tide. Unfortunately it said "antibody is still fighting, I could do nothing". Then I asked my goddamn antibody why this could happen in fact I ate and finished all the medicine on time. He should be won already by the last 2 days. Antibody said "medicine is not enough, dear stomach told me you ate less veges and took inappropriate nutrition-diet so don't you ever dare to put the blame on me as you didn't provide us with proper weapon" Ohh..I see. Yep, Im bluffing..always. But that's the truth. I got no appetite since all the food here are not really tasty enough to be called breakfast, dinner and so on. Damn Im right cause Im not the only person who said this. Everyone told the same. Simple to say..I eat only for living, satisfaction? I give nothing. I hate flu, I had this unpleasant illness since a week ago. I couldn't think properly, I couldn't manage my mind wisely due to flu especially when Im doing maths. You know it makes your brain disorganize or kinda miserable. It got me spiritless and weak. I really wanna fight but in this condition I don't think I could win. It was really suck today. During business math class everyone done their homework except me. Of course Mdm Yuzaimi was little mad at me. But I didn't told her why because I think flu is an unacceptable excuse for not doing her homework. Shoot, its really suck to be underestimated by others. I wanna fight, I wanna fight ! Flu, cough please go away from me. Shhuhhhh3X!! Ho~ tired already and my assignments for tomorrow is yet unfinished. Apa nak jadi-jadilah..Im too tired and sleepy. I need rest, srott..sroott~ yuck..(-__-')Haih zzzzzzZZZzzz

White Puppy

  It just like coincidence to met this person. I can't tell myself how the hell I can asked him such kinda..absurd question maybe for certain person. I was eager to know whether that was really guidance from Him or otherwise. So I felt that nothing will be wasted only for one naive question. He said dream may be just constructed by our mind, but since I had it for a few times and followed by guide prayer it may be a sign. So I told him what I had in that dream. "It is a good blessing but that doesn't mean fate unless you work for it". On the beginning it cheered me up but I am damn confused and weakened now. God, if I was wrong interpret your guide will be there a chance for me to turn back and refix..

Vow

  I am pursuing my dream by taking part in silat olahraga. That's what I ever wanted since I joined this association 3years ago. I never intended to learn this martial art only for self-defense, NO but I wanna fight someone so I'll be able to measure my own ability and identify my weakness. I had little problem to participate actually as I didn't finished my syllabus before which mean Im not qualified to be a member. Damn, they require person who already had at least bengkung putih. If I still recall I skipped at 19th step, Kuntau Jatuh eh? no, Ali Patah Atas. I can't use Tapak Suci to fulfill the requirement as it is unregistered under PESAKA. So as a medium, I must be the member of Silat Cekak Malaysia. This is the biggest problem since I was an ex-student of Silat Cekak Ustz.Hanafi and these two associations had kinda really bad relationship. I made a damn fool mistake when I asked their master whats the difference between these two association, accidentally told him I studied silat cekak once,"silat cekak Ustz Hanafi". Stupid, stupid, stupid ! Indirectly they'll recognize me as Ustz.Radzi influence. NO GOOD. His face turned cold and he glare at me like I am his enemy. Im lying if I say Im not afraid. Soon, I'll be studying under his supervisions. It worries me damn much, haih. I might be "dianak tirikan". I heard rumors once about their dark history, why they separated into two associations, and I can tell it is not just rumors after what had happened to me last night, that glance. Yeah Im afraid, but that doesn't mean I will stop and scram. I've decided for this path and I will never turn back. I will do what it takes. Enough said !

Misery

37.8 Celsius degree that's for my body temperature today.

Sore throat, muscle pain, fatigue, flu thats what Im having since 2days ago until today.

Jellycube for sore throat, its kinda sweet or gula-gula.

Pinfon? thats for flu, and this drug is sleepy enough.

Paracetamol, as usual for fever. Relieving body's temperature she said.

Mgt? I dont have an idea what it is, she said its for phlegm.

Bena Expectorant is for cough. 10ml, 3times a day. Also sleepy kinda drug.

1day rest ,only 1 day holiday. "Come again for MC if you are still not feeling well"

All above are the medicine that UiTM's Health Centre gave me.

I strictly follow the instructions as I want to get better as soon as possible.

I had the medicine on time.

Guess what? I just feel the same!

Is this really medicine eh? Haih

Look, its fussy just to get the MC.

Yeah its not far away, but I struggled and force myself to went downstairs for leave letter and they gave only 1day rest? Haih..

Maybe they will say Im not grateful,I admit it but still Im not satisfied.

Fall and Bounce

  How Im gonna put a start for this entry? Uhm, On the first day of my registration in UiTM Kuantan I saw a girl wore red shawl with red baju kurung. I couldn't fathom myself, she has something emm how should I put this? Aura? That day, I had crush on her even I just looked at her from the back. I didn't even clearly see her face. Starting from that day, I searched for this girl whenever I went to class. Fortunately I found her during our combined class. That's mean I have the chance to know her better. So one day I asked one of my classmate to help me give something to her as I knew she was her housemate. I gave her a small pieces of cadbury, that was my first step to know her. It went smoothly and a day later I asked her to have lunch with me and she agreed. I was so happy and also I managed to get her phone number. We know each other for 2months and it was not really warm relationship we had. She said she couldn't forget her ex-boyfriend. I am not sorry for myself to say... " Yes, I failed". But I never gave up on her. From the first day I started to know her until today, I never gave up. Maybe more than 5th times I proposed her and times by times I failed for every trials. For that every failures my heart cracked, I don't yet remember how it is to feel broken now. Never question me why I'm so deep into her because I don't have a goddamn answer. 
  Lately I felt so depressed, I don't wanna make a try again. I need to give full concentration on my education,my future and this kinda stuff make me stray from my ultimate path. But, my heart force me to do so ''Never give up on her". It was painful and hurt. I wish I could pull my heart out and said "listen to me, listen to my command, I will not be controlled by you" haha, I just kidding. Actually I mean I wish I could persuade my heart to accept that "She's not yours, never be. She never gave hints to tell that she has the same feeling towards you, please accept that". I laid on my bed outside the balcony and looked at the sky. I felt so sad, not because of my failures to get her, but..urm I don't have an idea how did i got this. It just like someone whispered into me "be sincered in loving, then there would be no regret to deal losing". I just realize this is not true love. If I truly love her, I should be able to let her go. Love doesn't mean we give love to each other in reward, NO. I almost shed my tears as I forget Him, The Greatest Lover. I've done istikharah prayer for guidance. I gave all of what I have for 3 nights praying for His guide. 
  Today, I got the answer undoubtedly, it came in the form of dream, 3nights the same dream. I am sure now this is the answer. We're not mean to be together. I don't feel sad but how Im gonna say this..redha? Yup:'). Allah showed me the way, we're not created to be together and I decided to move on. She is not well right now but I pray she'll get better soon. The best thing I could have is pray for her happiness, safety and healthy. Uhm, I leave this memory to you bloggie. I don't need it anymore but please take a good care of this memory as it taught me priceless means:')

Shuffle

 To tell the truth, I HATE when someone come and sit beside me while Im blogging. This is my privacy and the reason why there's only two person who know about this blog. This person I've mention before he just do not understand. I spoke as kind as Tok Imam words and still he do not understand. I started to feel exaggerated uncomfortable with him. One year older but act like a primary school student. Before I can still accept and understand as he is from STPM, still adapted by the school's stuff. But this isn't what I ever expected from a matured-looking guy like him. What do actually I feel..? disgust maybe. We know each other for only two weeks and he acted like we are bestfriend since kindergarten. Okay let me tell you this. Yesterday night I went out for dinner. I was downloading movie so I let my lappy ON and I forgot to log out my FB account. Guees what? when I returned I saw he was using my lappy with, innocent face. Ohh damn him again. See??

  

 Sorry, last night was very unacceptable. Uhhm,today here is a new story, after subuh I slept at 7am something. I was dreaming okay, and that dream was the sweetest dream Ive ever had this week. Then "appa,appa,fakhri,fakhri..!bangun ak nk pnjam laptop kau jap, weh tlg masukkan password kau bleh?" What do you want from mehh??!!! Yes, it pisses me off damn much. Hoo~ Ya Allah if it isn't because of you, probably he will eat my foot as breakfast today. Time is 8.45 am and Im still super duper sleepy. RAWR ! Astaghfirullahalazim3X... Hey, at least please let me finish this dream you sucker! I twisted my patience a little bit open and said to him " aku nak tido la bodoh tolong lh bertimbang rasa sikit, tolong sangat2" I thought when I said such words he will scram, but he stayed there. I opened my eyes and I see he was using my lappy. How the hell he knows my p/w? I dont have an idea. Spiritually I am already tired, really I dont want to be angry and make bad impression because I HATE MYSELF in that state. I had smooth talking on him and he went upset. Haih, its hard to be me I guess. Maybe I should be cold-hearted and mean person so no one will dare to stick around me,bluffing ! hahaha.. 

Hurm, meantime this weekend made me feel well depressed. Mom asked me to send some documents to Tgnu. The problem is the only way to send the copy, I need to scan it first. I walked almost like half a way to Lendu and didn't found even a scanner. This is weekend, thus they are out of business. She mad at me just now, haiiihhh.. I wish she could understand how's my situation right here even just for one minute. Plus this weekend i am very busy. Futsal, ptptn on9, silat cekak form, business maths, and bla,bla,bla... Tight and full packed. Tired mehh...! I need it to be consistent. I wish I could settle all of it today and I wanna start uhh..oh, 12.30 already. Okay I start right now. Chow bloggie !

out

Kalau hati kita benar-benar ikhlas sayangkan seseorang atau sesuatu, takkan ada rasa berat hati bagi kita untuk melepaskan ia pergi :') Takdir mengatakan yang ia dicipta bukan untuk aku dan aku kena redha menerima ketentuan-Nya. Aku dah faham sekarang. Terima Kasih Ya Allah.

*solat istikharah adalah  penyelesaian 

yang terbaik bagi mereka yang buntu mencari hala tuju:)

Cracked

 They said the only bidder for this pain is death. But death is not an option for me. So I said " Only cowards and fools will pick death in fact we were given life by God and born into this world for one reason, to fight". If I lose my left arm, I still have my right arm. If I lose both of my arms I can still shout out loud. If I lose everything, my spirit never die, my spirit to fight always live. 

Cursory

I wanna make simple mimple entry.

13 days already in Malacca..

Guess what, I love Malacca =)

The campus's accommodation is comfortable.
I don't miss home, not one bit. I don't know why.
But I after prayer I always pray for their happiness and safety.

Friends? Roommates? They are all cool and okay except this one acquaintance.

I don't hate him nor dislike him. I just feel uncomfortable against his attitude.

Too many stupid questions puke out from his mouth and there's a time I felt like wanna punch hardly on his face and tell him "SCRAM!!!" 
Nahh.. it's just a lie,haha.

But really, I am very uncomfortable with his attitude. 

A year older from me but his mentality level is just like a kindergarten kid. 

I'm not saying I am matured enough to say such thing to other person,NO.

But, let me tell you one thing.

Don't you pisses off when more than 3rd times you tell the same thing to a person and everyday when you see that person he or she asks you the same questions? 

Talk about the same topic, the same story so many times?

Questions that even a kid of 7year old can deal with?

Haihh..but I take it as a funny fellow. 
Just deal him with patience and cool..COOL huh? maybe.

I DON'T NEED TO BE STRESS BECAUSE OF THIS ONE FELLOW.
I won't.

Waste of time.

I love Business Maths.

It's little hard but I like that. 

Encouraging as I can feel competition among my classmates.

Calculations improve your brain system, this is fact.

I am trying to get used to my class timetable, a little bit inconsistent with my natural schedule and I need to change that.
Overall, so far I am physically good but I am mentally tired. Yup
I miss Kerol, Areh, Abg Najib, n si budak gemuk hitam pendek dan berminyak..haha 
and to a person i care..emm nahh nothing. really bluffing last night.damn

out