Stallion

Heart, I am the rider now. You'll be my stallion. Once I fell because of your navigations. This time I ride and I will navigate. I won't let either one of us fall. I take care of you and you take care of me in return. 

Dominion

I am at my weak point. Heart is a very fragile kinda thing you know. I know I can't let keep it on like this or else I will end up as a goddamn broken person forever. These past three days I spent my nights thinking of how I wanna get myself as soon as possible. Confident, Brave, Courage and Spirit. They were all gone. Hey, I need you right now. Final exam is closer. Yet, my heart refuse to speak to me. It just keep silent these days. Weird eh? I don't have an idea what others will think of me if I say.. There are two entity residing inside of me. My heart and my mind. Both are like oil and water. No understanding towards each other. Nahh..I'm bluffing of course. I can feel I am getting better. I feel no sorrow. It's a good thing to blocked her. I got no motive to go on9. Yep, I have much time on my study. I say to my heart, "Hey, you've already clear about her right, so lets move on. But don't force yourself. We'll move slowly, a little by little it will fade away". Now I need to find my lost confidence, courage, brave and integrity back. I've already got my half of courage and spirit. All I need to do now is getting my confidence. Heart, listen to me. From now I am, you are under my order. Haih, goddammit this is so ridiculous, haha. Uhm, in my prayer, I ask dear Allah to ease in my education, to ease me forget her but also pray for her happiness. She is special because she has had gave a great impact for who I am today. I learn to think the ways of girls thinking even not overall I get to fathom. I learn to get over control of my own emotion. I learn to be stronger. Whenever I think about her I will think she is happy and healthy so I don't have to pay unnecessary care about her. Haih I got a lot to be typed here actually instead of this miserable stuffs. I just forgot, aiyoo. No need I guess. Next time then.

Sorrow is Tasty

Talk is cheap. Yep, it's true enough for a person like me. I couldn't..I am unable to eat my own words. Time is still turn the pages of the book even it is burned, even the chapter is laid to rest. Sorrow embrace myself. Indeed, sorrow embrace me if I still keep care about her, but its even more goddamn sorrow to run away, hear nothing about her. I guess it is not wrong to keep in contact with her. I can still get an upper hand. About FB, I think I will keep it blocked. I can't turn the time. If she know about this, I don't think she will reapprove me as her friend anymore. Maybe I can stop to love her, but I couldn't stop to care about her. And yeah, her happiness is my everything :') Thats all I need to walk on this path. I want to see her happy whomever, or whatever carve her smile..I will I am at the moment, be happy too. I called her this morning, I thought she will not answer the call. But she did. She is not well today. I hope and I pray she will get better soon. I forgot my own words..if you cant be her special friend, be her bestfriend. If you can't her bestfriend the be her friend. Emm, I got promise to be fulfilled for myself. I promised to start to be a real student this week. Got nothing more to typed here. Chow.

Final Chapter

I supposed to post this entry last night, but wi-fi get trouble, prevent me from creating this entry. I don't know how to put a proper start. Uhm..I vowed to make it the last goodbye. To put an end for this chapter, make the ending special but unmemorable either for me or her. I did put an end. I was prepared for all the consequences. I just wanna know her feelings. What does she feel about me. If she has the same feeling as mine, our relationship will continue as usual. I wont ask more than that. Friend to friend is enough. Because I know ties such as so-called-couple means nothing, it couldn't be she is fated for me either. That future is still far beyond of what I could grab. For right now I am, I could promise nothing. If she doesn't have the same as mine, I will move on and get out of her world. Because I admit it myself, unrequited love is goddamn painful. Indeed I am not strong enough. Her happiness is my everything...I think don't need that quote anymore. During in Shah Alam I can see that she got nice and kind person around her. I believe she will always be happy. She don't need me to make her happy. She is happy-go-lucky kinda person. And uhh.. yeah as what I've predicted, her answer is negative. Maybe for certain person, this is unmatured. I blocked her in FB, her friends, everything about her. I don't want to hear,see even a thing about her. Not because I refused to befriend with her,NO. I must do this otherwise the same mistakes will happen twice. My heart, it just don't wanna give up. I killed it myself so many times yet it still able to recover and keep fight for this stupid feelings, intuition. I want to stop being a fool. I want to level up. Hmm I feel nothing right now. Sad?No.. Angry?No.. Happy? at the moment. Feelingless maybe. Haih. It's not easy for me to forget someone I love, but its not that hard either. I've done this before. Its not really a big deal for me to do it again. I know this is wrong, irrational decision. But this is the only option I have for the sake of my future. A shortcut. Final exam is closer. I need focus. I got ambition to be fulfill. Okay, The Rose chapter is laid to rest. I won't go back. Even if I want to, its too late. I've gone this far. I will keep going ahead:)

Fonder

If I could literally express and tell you how excited I am to see your smile, your laugh. It feels great to see you are happy, I'm so glad. Bloggie, she is The Rose I always mentioned before. It has been  almost 2years we know each other from the first semester of foundation until today. Until today I always fail to enchant her. Sometimes she's like giving me hints that she have the same feelings as mine and sometimes she isn't. The past trials proved everything. Always negative and negative. I afraid to ask. NO, I am not afraid to be rejected. It just..I afraid if her answer is negative, it will wipe away the warmth relationship we already have at this moment. I just want to see her happiness, her smiles, her laughs.. Her happiness is my everything. So, I won't ask more than that. Uhm, yesterday we went out to Putrajaya. Hot air balloons carnival. I made a mistake. The birthday gift I gave to her. It's not something she could always wear. This is Malaysia. Yeah, it's true. I am not upset with her. I'm just upset with myself. Being such an total idiot. I guess it was the most suitable gift. Indeed, no it's not. Hmm. But, I am really,really happy to see her I tell ya. Yeah, I do love her and and I do care about her. Even it is unrequited. I don't mind it now. Her happiness is all that I need to walk on this path. No matter how or whom she will be happy with. I will be glad:)This chapter is going to end soon. The final is closer.

Take a Dive

From the beginning, my heart keep saying "DON'T". I can tell she is a type of a men killer. I know I couldn't be compatible with this girl. She is naughty, and me? Sometimes I can be naughty when I want to be, but it's just for certain time when I get bored in order to release tension. The truth is, it is the biggest mistake I've ever done like during foundation. I vowed to never do it again. Rings a bell..what Ive done to White Lotus, until today I couldn't forgive myself for what I've done to her.. I played with her emotions and feelings without realizing the consequences. I like the chase but I never intend to catch. I smooth talked with her, and she said she forgive me. But the reality is, I just couldn't forgive myself. Thats the last time I had contact with her. I hate myself for that. That's why I blocked her from FB and Twitter. I couldn't face her like I used to be. Each time when I see her name, guilt wrapped over me. I vowed, it won't happen again. Enough. In the moment, this men-killer type of girl, I've decided, I'll listen to my intuition. "stay away from this girl, you are a step to be the same guy like before". Bloggie, you wanna know something, to get closer to this girl I am becoming the person that I am not used to be. Most likely to be like Amer and Azmi. They are type of social kinda person. I couldn't afford to be like them, NO. I just want to be myself, Ahmad Fakhri Fauzi. Whenever I try to get closer to this girl, like yesterday.. heart tells me "you are leading yourself astray from your path". Plus, I don't think I really need a companion right now. Lone-wolf walk alone, and I forgot something, the final is 4weeks left. What the hell I'm doing? What is my ultimate goal? Yep, thats all. Enough, enough and enough. Im leaving leave this mission. Something that is costly to obtain but provides a little benefits. I like this girl, but I don't have that so-called-feelings towards her. Since there's only one person I'm really have feeling..The Rose,hmm. It's unrequited,haih. Fortunately, yet I didn't do something reckless. I can still reverse. Possibly Amer and Azmi will get surprised if tell this to them. A speed of second I changed my mind. I don't know, it just my heart keeps telling the same word, "don't". Guess this time heart is telling me the right thing. Though it's reasonable and rationale to quit before I get deeper and unable to make an upper hand. I have no interest to play a game, the men-killer girl is not for me and I want to be myself.FULL STOP.

Left or Right

Dear Allah..I'm really going deeper into that darkness again.

Cognitive

I said hye. She replied with smile and her mouth was like saying something, "hye" but in silent mode. Then she just turned away and entered the lift. Errk, my word left unfinished and stucked in my throat. That's the first word. Seems like it wouldn't be as easy as I thought just for an introduction. But I can see she was blushing. Em, waitta second.. I'm not so sure whether she was blushing or it's her natural fair skin's color. Blushing maybe. The question is for what reason she need to be blushed. I showed nothing obvious. There are only me,Azmi and Amer who know about this mission. Damn, it's hard to see she on9 meantime there's not much info in her profile. Sometimes my heart whispers to me, "This is wrong. She is men-killer" Yes she is, I can tell that. Heart says "No, it's not that, it's just like something wrong with her..something fishy" Emm, what are you trying to tell me,cheat eh? "most likely to be" heart said. Em..actually I do think the same. Nonsense for a girl like her to be in the status of still single, But lets give a try. Who knows? I just need to be cautious and prepared for any possibility. We'll never know until we try isn't? "Em..goodluck then" I know her name. I added friend her FB. Next phase is converge and break the ice..whi.."hey!" what? "stop blogging and finish you assignment..think about that later" Ohh, yeah you are right. Weird eh? it's my intuition. No, I'm not insane -__-''

The Puppet Master

I am Andre when I'm with my bestfriends. I am Appa when I'm with UiTM's members. I am Eri when I'm going to be brave. I am Mr.Puppeteer when I reach my confident. I am Ahmad Fakhri Bin Mohd Fauzi when I'm with my beloved person. I don't know if I am a pretender. All I know, I need to be those person whenever I want myself fit with the environment.

Head-On

Hye bloggie, I said I wanna share everything that I left unsaid for almost 1month a few days ago. I am quite busy,nahh..Not so busy I guess. It just that I was not in the condition to share story with. You are not even listening, you are just my puppet in the form of a life journal. A reflection of mine. So there's no need for me to tell you everything I had. Actually I am tired. Not physically, but mentally I am so tired. I fight my emotions, my doubtful thoughts, my feelings in order to create so-called-mood to finish all that assignments. I push and I force myself to be workaholic. You know, I am not that kind of a work hard person for assignments. However these assignments are not as same as during I was in the foundation. It can't be done in several days. Something that I had never done before. Plus it was group's assignments. Lately I am so lazy. I guess I put to much effort on those assignments, and I left my uncovered syllabus behind. I am not well prepared for the test last week and I got very bad result for math. Ads? 50-50. Account? like shit, I was over confidence and underestimated account test. Very bad result. Nothing that can be proud of. I consumed too much time on assignments and I revise nothing for other subject. Math and Account. For me these 2 is my killer subject as if I skip even one chapter either both, I'll get lost and won't understand the next topic. See, my english now is "tunggang-langgang". I am typing this meantime my mind is spinning, all fuzzy. I need a little time to be recovered. Mental and physical are two different matter. Mental fatigue need more time to heal than physical fatigue. No, a little peaceful moment and space is good enough for me to recover, but I couldn't find it here. I have to cover my subject. I am fool enough to answer any simple math question right now. It is suck okay. Em..just now I met her friend in Mara building during lunch time. Wani. I am quite suprised because I never thought she'll recognize me. I saw her first but I acted like I don't know who she is as i thought she know nothing about me. She greet me with smile an I did the same in return. We had a little chat. She look nice and warm. As what I've expected from her friends. They are nice and kind. ^_^ There's no need for me to worry about her. She know how to befriend with others, no matter boys or girls, I believe they are nice person. I pray her 20th birthday will be much meaningful and full of happiness. Haha, yup I am really a fool. I set my mind to move on but actually I couldn't and I afraid to wave goodbye. But this is only for temporary. I'll put an end soon. I will make the ending special as I vowed to myself, it will be the last time. I am not giving up but Im just out of hope. What the meaning of never give up if it is clearly stated I am hopeless.. This the not the second time,third nor the 5th time I tried. It was countless. I am goddamn fool if I still do not see her hint "NEVER".  Hmm, my condition prevent me to talk clearly with others. I'm on pressure. I don't wanna make bad impression. So, I become untalkative person a lot these days. I wanna a peace of mind.. I wanna counter-attack for the syllabus I lost this past few weeks Damn...my english really, really suck.

Past for Present and Future

A friend of mine asked me "hey do you have a blog, do you blogging?" I said "yeah..once but I keep it's url only for certain person, and periodically changing as it's too personal but now I've made it deactivated" He asked me why and I said "it's my true color, my real form as human, who I am inside and I just revealing my weakness to others if I do make it public" For deactivated reason, I said "I made this blog to be my best listener, my requiem so I don't need to carry it along dealing my day, but now I don't think I need a listener anymore to be stronger". Friend said "if your reason is as what as you've said..to be stronger, then you are going nowhere". Friend refused to explain to me why, "have faith on yourself if you really are a type of seeker". Friend just made me even more confused, seeker?? Uhm..I guess I've the answer tonight, this blog is my benchmark. If I want to be stronger, I need to measure and evaluate how much strong I've become, either weaker or stronger. It does make sense actually, I can't tell what I am now. I couldn't see clearly as before. I mean I don't have the thrust to push me forward. For what reason I do fight full-heartedly. I couldn't remember. Easy to say..time make me loosing my objective for fighting, my real intention to fight. Damn, I don't have an idea to wordily clear this as what I am thinking. But I can tell using this way, I watch my pasts, my origin, who I am at the beginning and I could see the reflection of my future. It makes me aware which part I should make adjustment, enhancement. You complete me. I don't set this blog private as if something happened to me, died maybe. Someone can delivered my philosophy to my relative, my family. I am pursuing my future. I am not playing around like before. So my death would be meaningful for the person I care. Okay, thats bluffing. Bloggie, I got a lot of story to be shared with ya. But it will take a day for me to finished meantime I got a math test tomorrow. I need to revise. Later then, see ya.